Life in Atlantis
by isis-sg1
Summary: just a few little stand alone stories, slight shepweir
1. Declarations

John Sheppard opened his eyes and groaned loudly as McKay's face entered his view,

"What?" He asked at McKay's annoyed stare.

"Are you stupid?" McKay asked in his usual grating tone.

"What did I do now?" He groaned again as he realised he was in the infirmary. An IV was attached to his arm and there was a dull throbbing in his shoulder. He looked down to see his arm in a sling.

"You got yourself shot Colonel."

"Not on purpose," Sheppard defended himself. He shuffled around in bed to find a more comfortable position.

"No, but it was still stupid,"

"You don't think you could fill me in? My memory's still pretty fuzzy."

McKay sighed dramatically, "What do you remember?"

Sheppard frowned, "We were meeting with the Narians, Me and Elizabeth were talking to the leader Farius and then…..something about melons," He shook his head in confusion.

"Ah yes, Lt Reyes' comment about Farius' daughter. They didn't take too kindly to that and started shooting at us. We managed to get near the gate before one of the guards aimed at Elizabeth. You leapt into the path of the bullet and took it for her. Ronon managed to drag your ass back through the gate."

"Did anyone else get hit?"

"Nope, just you."

"Good."

"Why would you possibly jump in the way?"

"To save Elizabeth," John answered as if it were obvious.

"I knew it!" McKay exclaimed.

"Knew what?" John asked wearily.

"You like her?"

"Like who?" John played dumb.

"You like Elizabeth."

"Of course I like her."

"So you admit it?"

"Sure, she's always been a good friend to me."

Rodney rolled his eyes, "I'm talking more than friends Colonel, you have feelings for her."

"For who?"

"Elizabeth!" He cried in frustration.

"I do not!" Sheppard replied.

"Do too."

"Do not."

McKay raised his hand up to stop the childish game, "Just admit you have feelings for her," John shook his head, "Just say it!"

John smiled as he saw a figure enter the room behind Rodney, "Say what?" He asked innocently.

"I have feelings for Elizabeth," McKay said loudly. Sheppard laughed.

"Really Rodney?" McKay spun round to face Elizabeth, "I'm flattered really but I just don't see you that way."

McKay's jaw dropped, "I...I don't, I mean I'm not-"

"Yes Rodney?"

His face fell, "Oh never mind," He sighed before stalking out of the room.

Elizabeth turned to Sheppard, "You're an evil man you know that?"

He nodded, "I did."

She walked up to his bedside, "And an extremely brave one too," She added. She leant down and placed a single kiss on his cheek, "Thank you."

"You're very welcome."


	2. Crutches

"I'm bored," Sheppard sighed and he slouched further into the chair.

"Me too," Ronon agreed. The pair had taken a tumble on another planet and had come back to Atlantis with matching broken legs. Carson had been particularly interested in the identical injuries. Their legs had been plastered and they'd been sent of with a pair of crutches each and ordered to rest. After a full nights rest the pair had met up to moan about the other members of the team who were still allowed off world. They'd stuck a DVD in and had tried to watch it but Sheppard had seen in a million times and Ronon spent the whole time complaining about the staged action sequences, "There must be something we can do," He added.

"I have a pile of reports on my desk that's getting higher by the hour but I'd rather fight a dozen Wraith then deal with paperwork."

"I'd fight _two_ dozen Wraith rather than do paperwork."

"Well you've always had a bigger death wish than me."

It was Ronon's turn to sigh, "There is no way I'm going to sit on my ass for six weeks."

"You're telling me, I've only been in this damn cast for one day and I'm already going crazy."

"Okay," Ronon pulled himself up and grabbed his crutches, "I'm not going to sit here any longer."

"Yeah? What are you going to do?"

Ronon shook his head, "What are _we_ going to do," He corrected, "come on."

Ten minutes later Sheppard found himself in the training room, "What are we doing in here?"

Ronon smirked, "We're going to spar."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope, we have two weapons," Ronon waved his crutches at Sheppard, "And we both have a disadvantage. You never know when you're going to have to fight one legged."

"Like a one legged guy wants to fight but thinks _me_ having two legs is an unfair advantage?"

Ronon sent Sheppard a look, "Or a Wraith shoots you in the leg and you have to fight him."

"If a Wraith shoots me in the leg I'm going to shoot right back."

"Come on Sheppard, don't be such a chicken."

"Okay, I've got to stop teaching you Earth sayings," Ronon raised his crutches and hopped into a defensive position. Sheppard did the same, taking a moment to steady himself, "You do realise that Carson will kill us if he finds us here."

Ronon tilted his head to one side, "I think we can take him," Ronon thrust out one crutch and Sheppard blocked it easily.

"I don't know, he's got some pretty big needles," Sheppard dodged another attack by hopping out of the way before hopping back and sending out his own attack. It was blocked but Sheppard missed the next attack and was struck in the side.

"You okay?" Ronon asked.

"Oh yeah," Sheppard replied sarcastically, "Just great," The pair sparred for another couple of minutes, neither managing to do much damage. It was too hard when most of their energy was put into keeping themselves upright. They were so engrossed they didn't even hear the door to the room whir open.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" A familiar Scottish accent hollered from behind them. Sheppard and Ronon stopped what they were doing and turned towards the doctor, "Do you two not understand the meaning of the word _rest_?"

"Come on Doc we were bored!" Sheppard defended, "And look! We stayed off our bad legs!"

Carson eyed the hopping duo, trying to contain the amusement of two large men hopping on the spot in front of him, "Back to the infirmary the both of you, I need to check you haven't done any damage," They glumly followed Carson back to the infirmary where Elizabeth found them five minutes later, lying on adjacent beds, arms crossed and identical frowns on their faces.

"What happened?" Elizabeth asked Carson as he walked into the room.

He shook his head, "I found these idiots sparring."

"What?"

"They used their crutches as weapons," Elizabeth tried to hide a smirk but failed, "It's not funny, they could have seriously set back their healing."

"I'm sorry, just trying to imagine it."

"Aye," He leant towards Elizabeth so Sheppard and Ronon couldn't hear, "It was quite a sight, I wish I'd taken a camera," Elizabeth laughed.

"Are you too talking about us?" Sheppard shouted across the room.

"Why would you think that?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Because I know you," He grumbled.

"Their results will take a couple of minutes, would you like to join me for a coffee Elizabeth?" Carson offered.

She nodded, "I'd love to."

He turned to Sheppard and Ronon, "Don't even think about leaving, I've taken your crutches away just in case," Carson sent then a firm stare before leaving the room with Elizabeth. As soon as the door was closed Sheppard and Ronon looked at each other.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sheppard asked.

"Race you," Ronon replied.

They pushed themselves off the beds and hopped out the door. They laughed as they hopped as fast as they could down the corridor, Carson running after them.


	3. Day Off

I'm really glad you're liking them. I have a few more stories but I'm running out of ideas so if anyone has any suggestions then please feel free to send me a note 

John smiled to himself. Things were good. He had the day off, his radio was in his pocket but switched off and his skateboard had been fixed after an incident a couple of weeks ago. He was planning on boarding through some of the unexplored parts of the city, his favourite pastime in Atlantis. That way no-one could bother him with inane questions. He stepped onto his board and whizzed down the corridor from his room to the nearest transporter. Once inside he pressed the screen and exited into a dark corridor. It was empty and completely silent. He smiled again. Peace and quiet.

At the same time McKay was muttering to himself. He'd decided to take a look at a mysterious device in one of the labs but it wasn't working. He didn't know if it was because there wasn't enough power or his ATA gene wasn't enough and he needed Sheppard. He tapped his radio.

"Sheppard this is McKay," He received no answer, "Sheppard?" He sighed after more silence. He placed his laptop on the ground and made his way back to Stargate operations, hoping Sheppard was there. If not, someone there would know where he was.

"Elizabeth," He greeted as he walked up the steps to the control room.

"Rodney, what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Actually I was looking for the Colonel."

"What a coincidence so was I, I need to go over some reports with him."

"So he's not here?"

Elizabeth shook her head, "Haven't seen him all morning."

McKay eyes widened and he looked up, "Wait."

"What?"

"I've just realised."

"Realised what Rodney?" Elizabeth asked frustrated from McKay's lack of proper answers.

"It's his day off; he's probably off in the city somewhere with his radio turned off."

"Guess we'll have to wait till later then," Elizabeth sighed.

McKay shook his head, "And do what for the rest of the day? No, I'm going to find him," He walked over to the nearest computer and began typing.

"Rodney, I don't think he'd appreciate us interrupting his day off," She argued.

"He doesn't like annoying people bothering him."

"And you don't think you fall under that category?"

McKay glared at Elizabeth, "I'm talking about soldiers who want to change shifts and complain about their assigned quarters not me and you."

"Okay, you can find him, but if he doesn't want to help then leave him be," McKay smiled victoriously and began typing into the computer again; bringing up the city's life signs detector.

"There," He pointed to a single dot in the middle of an empty part of the city. Suddenly the dot disappeared. McKay's eyebrows raised into his hairline.

"What was that?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't know, I mean that only reason that would happen is if the Colonel was dead."

"Are you saying-"

She was quickly interrupted, "Unless." McKay trailed off and he frowned.

"What?"

"It couldn't be…"

"What Rodney?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes, he was doing it again.

"It's impossible!"

"Rodney!" Elizabeth shouted to get Rodney's attention back.

"He has the city wrapped around his little finger," He shook his head in disbelief.

She shook her head, "I still don't understand."

"Sheppard doesn't want to be found so the city is shielding him from us."

"What? It can do that?"

"Apparently, he always said the city liked him, I just thought he was kidding," He began typing furiously.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not going to let the city win, all I have to do is find a way to override the systems and find him that way."

"Surely finding the Colonel isn't worth all this effort."

"This is not about Sheppard any more, this about me versus the city."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, "Okay, call me if you find him," She patted Rodney on the shoulder then walked back to her office.

"Oh come on!" McKay shouted at the computer. He'd been at it twenty minutes and still hadn't got very far. Every time he thought he was getting somewhere the city blocked his path.

"Okay, that's it!" He shouted as the computers blocked him again. He stood up from his chair and began shouting out loud, "You will stop messing with me and show me where Sheppard is right now! When I say right now I mean _right now! _I'm not kidding! You think you have all the power because you're a big city but you don't! I take the Zed-pm out and you're nothing! You hear me, nothing! So be a good little city and behave!"

"Who are you talking to?" McKay jumped into the air; he tripped in his own feet and landed in a heap on the floor. He turned over to become face to face with none other than John Sheppard.

"Me? No-one," He said quickly. He pulled himself up, "What are you doing here? I thought it was your day off?"

"It is, Atlantis was getting fed up of your bellyaching and it was giving me a headache so I came to stop what ever it is you were doing."

"She was hiding you."

Sheppard smiled, "Yup, cool huh?"

"No," McKay shook his head, "Not cool, I've been searching for you for nearly half an hour!"

"Didn't you take the hint?"

"No, I thought you just wanted to get away from annoying people bothering you."

"Yes Rodney, you're on that list."

"I am?"

"Stop messing with the computers, my headaches only just fading," He ordered, "Now I'm gonna go before someone hands me a pile of paperwork," He turned away but barely took a step forward before a voice stopped him.

"John!" Weir called. She caught up to him quickly, "I'm glad you're here," Sheppard eyed the pile of paperwork in her arms and then glared at Rodney, "I'd like you to look over these for tomorrow's meeting," He sighed as she dumped the files in his arms. Suddenly the room went dark.

"What's happening?" Weir asked, panicked.

"I don't know!" McKay replied. Before he could find his way to his laptop the lights came back on again. He turned around to find Sheppard missing, the paperwork left in a neat pile on the floor where he'd been standing. McKay sighed, "Little finger," He muttered before getting back to work.


	4. Upside Down

Elizabeth Weir stepped into the gate and a millisecond later found herself back on Atlantis. Her marine escorts gave her a quick nod before leaving the room to deposit their weapons. She's been negotiating trade with a peaceful race for the last week, leaving Sheppard in charge. She trusted him when in came to running the city but she still felt glad to be back and in charge.

"Grodin," Elizabeth put her backpack down and greeted the man.

"Welcome back Dr Weir," He replied with a smile.

"How's everything?"

"It's been relatively calm," He answered.

She raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean relatively? And where's Colonel Sheppard?" She asked when she couldn't see the Colonel anywhere.

"He's uh, indisposed at the moment."

"Indisposed? What does that mean?" Elizabeth couldn't believe that Sheppard had got into more trouble.

"Not indisposed," Grodin corrected himself, "More like…unreachable."

"Grodin," Elizabeth said in her firmest voice, "What happened?"

Grodin sighed, "It's probably just easier to show you," He told her. He stood up from his chair and led Elizabeth out of Stargate Operations and into the nearest transporter. Five minutes later they found themselves standing in the middle of room she'd never been in before and it was empty.

Elizabeth frowned, "I thought you were taking me to Colonel Sheppard," She heard someone clear their throat and she spun round to find out who it was but there was no-one there. Even Grodin had disappeared out the door.

"Up here," She looked up. Lying on the ceiling was Sheppard, arms and legs crossed. He waved to her.

"What have you done now?" She asked wearily.

"Hey! This one was not my fault," He defended himself, "I was helping Rodney out with some Ancient device he found in there," He pointed to a glass cabinet which held several weird objects that looked similar to the Ancient personal shield devices, "I put it on and the next thing I know I'm up here."

"And you can't get down?"

"Sure but I thought I'd stay up here for the hell of it!" He retorted sarcastically.

"Okay," She walked until she was completely under him, "So you're stuck up there."

"Something's wrong with this damn device," He motioned to the glowing object stuck to his chest, "I tried everything, it's not turning off."

"When Rodney couldn't get the personal shield off it was because he subconsciously wanted it to stay on."

"Are you saying I _want_ to be stuck up here?"

"I'm just saying you might not realise that you're still controlling it," She explained.

"Well I'm not, McKay's working on it…..well I think he is. Haven't seen him in a couple of hours," He frowned.

"How long have been stuck up there?"

Sheppard shrugged, "About a day."

"Aren't you hungry?" She asked, clearly curious at Sheppard's situation.

Sheppard pulled a power bar from his trouser pocket, "I had Ronon throw some stuff up."

"Of course you did."

"Elizabeth?"

"Yes John?"

"I don't think you standing there is a good idea."

"Why's that?"

He opened his mouth ready to tell her he could see right down her top when the glowing device darkened. Without warning he fell from the ceiling right on top of Elizabeth, "That's why," He groaned. He lifted his head up and looked down at Elizabeth who was lying underneath him, "Are you okay?" He asked her.

"You fell on me."

"I noticed that, tell me I didn't hurt you."

"I think I'm okay."

"Good."

"You're heavy."

"Thank you"

"John?"

"Yes Elizabeth?"

"What are you still doing on me?" John wasn't going to admit he actually liked it. He gave her an embarrassed smile before rolling off her and onto his back next to her.

"Good, it worked," A voice said excitedly and the pair looked up at Rodney who had just entered the room.

"A little warning next time!" Sheppard growled.

"_Next tim_e?" Elizabeth asked.

Rodney looked down at the leaders of Atlantis, lying on their backs staring back up at him, and frowned, "What are the two of you doing on the floor?"


	5. Hide and Seek

Sheppard looked at the two aliens as they stared back at him. "What?" He asked. The trio were sitting in the mess hall snacking on turkey sandwiches. Ronon was leaning over the table his large arms leaning on it. Teyla sat next to him whilst Sheppard sat opposite the pair, slouched in his chair, arms crossed.

"Ronon and I over heard your people talking about a person on your planet. The way they were talking about this woman made us believe she is very famous and an important person, we are curious as to who this woman is and why you have not mentioned her before"

"Yeah?" He raised an eyebrow, "Did these people you eavesdropped on happen to say a name?"

"Yes," Teyla nodded, "Her name was Oprah."

Sheppard smiled, "Oprah?"

"Is she a leader of your world?"

"She's a very rich woman, has her own chat show," Sheppard received two confused stares, "Doesn't matter," He shook his head.

"Do you think there's any more sandwiches left?" Ronon asked after stuffing the last of the food in his mouth.

"I think you've eaten everything there is," Sheppard answered as he eyed the Satedan and the empty plate in front of him.

"Damn."

"You can't seriously still be hungry?"

Teyla smiled, "He eats more than Rodney," Sheppard laughed.

"I do not," Ronon growled.

"They have the same eating habits too," Sheppard said, "Eat first ask questions later."

Ronon raised an eyebrow and pointed at his empty plate, "You don't think it had citrus in it do you?" He asked in his own impersonation of the scientist, causing Teyla and Sheppard to laugh again.

Elizabeth looked up as she entered the mess hall and instantly spotted her military commander and all but one of his team sitting round a table laughing. She picked up a bottle of water before joining them.

"Hey,"

"Elizabeth," Teyla bowed her head, "What are you doing here?"

She held up the water, "Thirsty," She answered, "Plus I needed a little break from the huge pile of paperwork on my desk," She admitted. She unscrewed the cap and took a gulp of the cool liquid.

"Won't you join us?" Teyla asked.

"Thanks but I'm not planning on staying, those reports won't write themselves."

"If only," Sheppard said.

"Where's Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, wondering where the missing member of the team was. They generally ate their food together.

"He's hiding," Sheppard answered with a smile.

"Hiding?"

"Yes, we were bored so we thought we would partake in a challenging game of hide and seek."

"Hide and seek?" She asked in disbelief, "Aren't you a little old for hide and seek Colonel?"

"Not if you've got an entire city to hide in," he argued, "and anyway, you're never too old for hide and seek."

"Ookay, if he's hiding shouldn't you go find him?"

"We know where he is," Ronon spoke up.

"You do?"

"He is in a cupboard down in supplies," Teyla explained.

"Does _he_ know you know where he is?"

"Nope, he still thinks we're looking for him," Sheppard shook his head.

"Are you going to tell him?

"Oh we will," Ronon assured.

Sheppard looked at his watch, "In a couple of hours," He said as he turned to the other members of his team. Elizabeth shook her head as the three began to laugh.


	6. Shirtless

McKay rushed down the halls of Atlantis. He'd just been exploring a new lab and had had so much data so go through. He looked down at the computer in his hands excitedly as he turned the corner, not noticing Colonel Sheppard coming the other way, cup of hot coffee in his hand. The pair collided, the computer dropping to the ground and Shepard cried out as the hot coffee soaked his shirt. He pulled the shirt off immediately.

"Jeez! Watch where you're going McKay!" Sheppard shouted as he used his soaking shirt to wipe his burning chest.

"Me?" He picked up his computer and waved it at Sheppard, "You nearly broke this!"

"I can see how a broken computer compares to not having skin!"

"There is some serious data on here from the new lab. Over a week's worth of work!" Sheppard glared at the scientist, "I'll just go," McKay ran off.

"Yeah you better run!" Sheppard shouted after him. He shook his head then looked down at his chest that had started to go red. Even though he didn't want to it, he realised it was probably a good idea to check in with Carson. He started towards the infirmary, hoping he didn't bump into anyone.

Elizabeth Weir walked down the corridor towards the infirmary. Apparently Carson had some research on the ATA gene he'd wanted her to see. She looked up from the paperwork in her hand when two young scientists came rushing down round the corner in giggles. She frowned and shook her head but continued. She looked up again as another woman turned the corner, her face red from blushing. She ran off before Elizabeth could ask what was going on. She looked back down at the papers. Suddenly she found herself squashed against a naked chest. She stepped back, tripping over her shoes and landing on the floor. She looked up and her eyes widened at the sight of her chief military officer standing over her half naked.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concern in his eyes. He held out a hand. After a second she took it and he pulled back up onto her feet.

"I'm fine."

"Good…sorry about that."

"It's my fault, I wasn't paying attention," She couldn't help but stare at the bare expanse of muscle and skin in front of her.

"Me either," He shrugged. The fell into an uncomfortable silence, neither knowing what to say.

"I-

"What-, The said simultaneously followed by nervous laughter.

"You go," Sheppard said.

Elizabeth blushed, "I was going to ask what you were doing walking down the corridor half naked."

"Ah," He looked down at his bare chest and then back up to Elizabeth, "You mean this?" She nodded, "Crashed into Rodney, my coffee got spilt," He held up his wet shirt, "Just gonna check in with Beckett to make sure the scalding coffee didn't do any damage."

"It does look a bit red," Without thinking she placed her hand against his chest to check for damage.

"Ah, Elizabeth?" He cleared his throat.

She pulled her hand away as if it were her that was burnt, "Oh god I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I just-

"Yeah," Another uncomfortable silence fell upon the pair, "Where were you headed?" He asked.

"I…" She was so distracted that she had totally forgotten where she was going. She frowned, "Don't remember"

"Okay, maybe you should work that out."

"Yes."

"Well," He crossed his arms.

"Well," She repeated.

"I should," He nodded his head towards the infirmary.

"Yeah."

"And you should-

"Yeah I should," The pair didn't move.

"Okay then," He said. When she still didn't move he smiled and turned away and began walking off towards the infirmary. He turned back to find her staring at his retreating form, "I have got to spill coffee on me more often," He said to himself with a chuckle as he entered the infirmary.


	7. Phobia

I'm so glad everyone's liking my stories :) I've come up with a few more ideas so those should keep me going for a while but don't stop with the suggestions :) Please keep reviewing also as he really helps me know what you like and don't like

Thank you to lakewater for the many suggestions - this chapter was inspired by your big list :)

* * *

John Sheppard was walking through the corridors towards his quarters when he stopped mid step. His head snapped up as he heard a loud bloodcurdling scream come from McKay's quarters. He broke out into a run, travelling the short distance in under thirty seconds. From outside the door he could hear more panicked cried. 

"McKay!" He shouted through the door.

"Sheppard?" He heard, "Help me!"

"What's happening?" Sheppard turned to find Elizabeth standing next to him with a worried expression. Behind her Ronon and Teyla ran towards them.

"We heard a scream," Ronon explained, "What's going on?"

He wondered for a second how they had all shown up so quickly but dismissed it as he had other things to be concerned about. "I don't know," He shook his head. He turned back to the door. With a closed fist he knocked hard. "McKay!" He shouted, "Open the door!"

"I can't!" McKay cried.

"Why not!"

"It's blocking the door!" The group looked at each other in confusion and Ronon placed his hand on his gun ready.

"What's blocking the door?"

"It's horrible!" McKay cried.

"Okay," Sheppard lifted the door panel off the wall and looked at the three crystals, "Do any of you know how to override these things?" They shook their heads, "McKay! How do I get the door open?"

"Err, I can't think!"

Sheppard sighed, "Try!" Sheppard banged on the door again when McKay didn't reply, "McKay!" He shouted again.

"The middle one, swap the middle one with the top one," He answered. Sheppard removed the two crystals and swapped them. The door slid open and Ronon immediately pulled his gun out of its holster and aimed it at through the open door. They couldn't see McKay.

"McKay?" Sheppard called.

"Sheppard?" McKay's voice answered, "Is it gone?"

"Is what gone?" Ronon asked, "There's nothing there," He spoke as his narrowed eyes scanned the room.

"It's still there."

"What the- Sheppard stopped as he spotted a single insect hovering in front of him, "Some kind of bee," He tilted his head and watched the bee.

"Kill it!" McKay cried.

"Why? What did it do to you?"

"It buzzed," McKay hissed. They watched as the bee happily buzzed off down the corridor.

"It's gone McKay," Sheppard said, he nodded his head at Ronon who dropped his gun back in its holster.

"Are you sure?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"You want me to answer that?"

"You going to come out of hiding now?" Sheppard asked to the empty room. Slowly McKay appeared from under his bed, slightly shaking.

"Are you okay Rodney? Maybe you should go see Carson," Elizabeth spoke softly.

"Oh me?" He squeaked, "I'm fine, just fine"

"You sure?"

"Yup" He nodded. He stepped around the bed and walked to his bedroom door. He looked at his friends, "Excuse me," Sheppard stepped out of the way and as soon as McKay had a clear path he began running at full speed down the hallway. As soon as he was out of earshot Sheppard chuckled, Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth joining in. They laughed until they cried.

"What was that?" Ronon smiled.

"That was Melissophobia," Sheppard answered.

"Melisso- what?" Ronon raised an eyebrow

"The fear of bees," Sheppard explained with a shrug. Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth looked at him with similar bewildered stares, "What? I read a lot," He defended himself. He thrust his hands into his trouser pockets and followed McKay down the corridor.


	8. Phobia 2

Sheppard sighed happily as he slouched further into his chair and stretched his legs out in front of him crossing one leg over the other. He opened his book and began reading. He ignored the bustle of the mess hall and immersed himself in War and peace. As he read he reached out and picked up his pudding. An Athosian fruit not too dissimilar from an apple he opened his mouth and crunched down on the juicy fruit. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Elizabeth carry a tray towards his table. She sat down opposite him but said nothing. He took another bite then turned the page, doing his best to ignore the woman staring at him.

"What?" He asked without looking up from his book.

"Nothing," She answered quickly.

When she kept on staring Sheppard looked up from his book and turned to her "What?" He asked again.

"It's nothing really."

"Elizabeth if you don't stop staring and start talking I'm gonna leave so I can read without an audience."

She smiled, "You read a lot."

He rolled his eyes, "Is that what this is about?"

"How on earth did you know about Melissophobia?" She shook her head in disbelief.

"Your food's getting cold."

"John," She warned. She knew he had a habit of changing the subject when the conversation turned personal.

"I broke my leg during my stint in the Antarctic, the infirmary had a crappy selection of books and after reading every Harry Potter book _twice_ all that was left was a book on phobias," He explained.

Her eyes narrowed, "Fear of the dark?"

"What?"

"I'm testing you, fear of the dark."

"Lygophobia."

"Fear of snakes?"

"Ophidiophobia, how many of these are we going to do?"

She looked at her watch, "I have a whole hour," She smiled, "Fear of fire?"

He turned back to his book and took another bite from the fruit, "Pyrophobia."

"Fear of birds?"

"Ornithophobia."

She continued to test him and he answered all her questions as he read his book. They were quickly joined by Teyla and Ronon who also seemed interested in testing him and stopping him from getting past page 50 of his book.

"Fear of flying?" Ronon asked.

"Pteromerhanophobia."

"Fear of Water?" It was Teyla's turn.

"Hydrophobia, Potamophobia which is the fear of rivers or running water or Thalassophobia which is the fear of the sea," He answered quickly as he tried to read the same paragraph for the third time.

"Fear of injections?" Elizabeth tried.

"Trypanophobia."

"Fear of blood?" Ronon growled as he tried to catch his friend out.

"Hemophobia, Hemaphobia or Hematophobia."

"Fear of trees?" Teyla's turn again

"Dendrophobia, seriously don't you guys have anything you could be doing right now?"

"Nope," Ronon answered for the trio.

"I'm not a performing animal."

"Fear of animals?" Elizabeth smiled sweetly as he glared at her.

"Zoophobia."

"Fear of-" Teyla begun but he quickly cut her off.

"Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia, fear of the number 666, Logizomechanophobia, fear of computers, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, fear of longs words, yes longs words, Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia, fear of crossing bridges, Epistemophobia, fear of knowledge, Enochlophobia, fear of crowds-"

"Fear of lemons?" Elizabeth interrupted his rant.

He turned to look at her and he smiled at her, "Rodney McKay," He answered before joining in the laughter.


	9. Friendly Fire

Elizabeth walked through the city wearily. Sheppard team had brought back villagers from a planet in the middle of a culling and some had become distrustful of their hospitality. It culminated in gunfight which luckily was easily won by Sheppard and his men. She'd visited the infirmary to check on the few had been injured before deciding on a long hot shower and then sleep. She turned the corner and stopped as she spotted Ronon and McKay sitting in the hallway across from each other. Ronon was leaning against the wall, one arm slung over a bent knew while the other leg stretched out in front of him. Rodney had both his legs stretched out in front of him and he had his arms crossed in front of his body. Behind them was a motionless body, lying face down. She could tell the body was one of theirs from the Atlantis uniform but it could have been anyone.

"Ronon, Rodney," She greeted the pair with a raised eyebrow. They looked up.

"Elizabeth," Rodney spoke first, "What are you doing here?"

"I was on my way to my quarters for some much needed rest," She said.

"You look like you could use it," McKay replied. If Elizabeth wasn't so distracted by the body on the floor she would have taken that as an insult.

She couldn't hold her curiosity in anymore, "Who is that?" She asked, nodding at the body.

"Sheppard," Ronon grunted as he leant his head back against the wall.

"Is he okay?" She asked, now she thought about it, that ass did look familiar.

"Oh he's fine," Rodney waved him off, "Just a little friendly fire accident," He explained but Elizabeth still had no idea what was going on. She turned to Ronon who waved his gun.

"I shot him," He said.

"You shot him?"

"He got in the way," Ronon defended himself.

"He's only stunned," Rodney added quickly, "Serves him right for getting in-between Ronon and his target….but you only make that mistake once," McKay added with a shake of his head that made Elizabeth wonder if it was from personal experience.

She shook her head in disbelief, "Shouldn't he be in the infirmary where Carson can look over him?"

"Carson's got enough on his plate without an unconscious Sheppard taking up space. We thought we'd stay with him till he wakes."

"Shouldn't be long now," Ronon added.

"Well that's very thoughtful of both of you," She smiled,

Ronon shrugged, "Least we could do."

"Least _you_ could do," McKay corrected Ronon as he crossed his arms in front of him, clearly annoyed, "I have a million things I could be doing."

"Well why don't you?"

"Because you threatened to stun me too if I didn't stay!" McKay cried.

Ronon shrugged, "I was bored,"

"You spent seven years alone running from the wraith and you couldn't handle a couple of hours alone in Atlantis with an unconscious Colonel Sheppard?" Ronon growled under his breath and McKay took it as his cue to shut up. Elizabeth smirked at the banter. Suddenly Sheppard's head lifted as he awoke. "Morning sleepyhead," McKay spoke as he spotted the movement. Sheppard looked left and right drowsily, still feeling the effects of the stun.

"Sorry I shot you ma,n" Ronon patted the back of Sheppard's leg.

"S'okay," Sheppard mumbled.

"Are you okay John?" Elizabeth asked as she stood over the disorientated Colonel.

"Liz'beth?"

"Yes John?"

"Are you staring at my butt?" Elizabeth looked away quickly and blushed. He slowly turned himself over so he was lying on his back and Elizabeth's eyes widened when she saw someone had written KIRK in big black letters on Sheppard's forehead. She turned to Ronon and Sheppard. Ronon and Rodney pulled themselves to their feet with equally wide smiles.

"Well," McKay sighed as he threw a single black marker into the air and caught it easily with one hand. "My work here is done," He added before the pair walked back down the corridor and out of sight.

She turned back to Sheppard. He lifted himself into a sitting position and looked up at her with a frown, "Is something wrong?" He asked, having no idea what had been written on his face.

Elizabeth opened her mouth, ready to tell him to look in a mirror, when she stopped. She crossed her arms, "Nope," She answered with a shake of her head, "Absolutely nothing," She smiled.


	10. Leader's Day

Got a couple more of these to go (that's if I can't think of anything else) Might not be able to post any more of this or Entity for another week because I have an unbelievably busy week! Hope you like it (tell me if you do )

Sheppard sighed as he fiddled with the zipper on his vest. Teyla and Ronon were helping the Athosians build new huts on their new home planet. He'd only come along to pilot the jumper. It's the only thing he was allowed to do after cracking a couple of ribs on a recent mission. McKay had come along too but Sheppard still had no idea why. He sat on a large boulder while McKay sat on the ground leaning his back against the rock. The open jumper sat behind them.

"Are you as bored as I am?" He asked McKay as he watched the rest of the team hard at work.

"More," McKay replied.

"Why did you come again?"

"Carson ordered me here to keep an eye on you."

Sheppard turned to McKay in surprise, "What?"

"You have a habit of ignoring his orders and he promised me his share of chocolate if I stopped you from over exerting yourself."

"You can't catch your breath when you walk from your quarters to your lab, you really think you could stop me?"

"I'm just here for the chocolate, I don't care if you go and prove your stupidity," McKay glared.

"Not today," Sheppard sighed, "I can sit back and watch other people work for a change."

"For a _change_?" McKay asked.

"I resent that," The pair fell into a silence as they watched Teyla and Ronon struggle, "You know just because I can't help doesn't mean you can't."

"I tried but apparently they don't like constructive criticism."

"Was it constructive or were you criticising their construction?"

"Seriously! Why would you want to live in those mud huts when you could live in Atlantis!"

"Yes, they should definitely live in a city where most of the military distrust them, where they have to ask permission before doing anything and are constantly under the threat of a Wraith attack."

"Well when you put it that way."

"As soon as Teyla and Ronon are done we're out of here."

"Good, I left an important experiment with Zelenka to come out here and I need to get back to run the experiment myself to make sure he didn't screw up."

Sheppard ignored his friend's ranting, "I'm bored."

McKay sighed dramatically, "You've said that already."

"Well then I think we should do something about it don't you?"

"What do you have in mind?"

Ronon and Teyla began walked back to them and Sheppard smiled as an idea began to form, "Follow my lead," Sheppard told McKay before greeting their team members "All finished?" He asked them.

Teyla nodded, "For now, but I would like to revisit to make sure."

"Sure," He nodded then looked down at his watch, "Damn," He swore.

"What's wrong?" Ronon asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I've just realised what day it is today."

"It's a special day?"

"Are you kidding? It's one of the post important days on Earth," He turned to McKay

"Oh," McKay blurted out quickly, still having no idea where Sheppard was headed "Very special…big day."

"It's called Leader's day, where everyone honours their leaders," He smiled.

"What does Leader's day involve?" Teyla asked, obviously interested.

"Well….."

Elizabeth finished her lunch with a smile. With Shepard's team helping Teyla's people she'd actually had a quiet morning. His team hadn't caused any cataclysmic problems, they hadn't been attack and Kavanaugh hadn't bothered her. She'd even managed to get al her paperwork done which was normally put off when Sheppard and his team came running through the gate with Wraith not far behind. She didn't think she'd ever finished her paperwork before lunch. Now she had no idea what she was going to do for the rest of the day. She headed back to her office just to make sure nothing had piled up over lunch. She looked up as she entered her office. Everywhere she turned there were branches covered in leaves. They covered the floor, her desk, they'd even been propped up against the glass.

"What the-"

Suddenly two figured popper out from under her desk and began singing to her, the tune strangely familiar, "Happy leader's day to you! Happy leader's day to you! Happy leader's day Dr Weir, Happy leader's day to you!" She winced as Ronon hit a wrong note. She'd always enjoyed Teyla's singing but she now knew why she'd never heard Ronon sing. As the singing stopped Ronon picked up a funny shaped rock and placed it in her hands. Elizabeth was speechless.

"Happy leader's day Elizabeth," Teyla bowed her head.

"Thank you," She managed after a second. She frowned at the rock. "By any chance, did Colonel Sheppard tell you about Leader's day?"

"Yes, We were happy to honour you," She bowed her head again. "John and Rodney wanted to be here too but they had something important to do."

She raised an eyebrow, "I bet they did," She said dryly.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, this is all amazing really,"

"It did take us quiet a while to cut down all the branches, bring them here and fill your office. But John said it was a big part of the holiday and he even helped us carry them."

"Did he now."

"And we will cook for you later. John said that was also a big part of the day. It's been a while since I last made tuttleroot soup but John said you would like it."

Her eyes widened. She'd heard how bad Teyla's cooking was, "Okay," She put the rock down on her desk, "This has to stop," She turned back to Ronon and Teyla. "There is no such thing as Leader's day. Colonel Sheppard made it up to amuse himself."

"I see."

"Not that I'm not grateful for all the effort you both put into this."

"We apologise and shall go now to avoid…further humiliation" The pair headed towards the door, "This is the second time he has fooled us," Teyla spoke to Ronon.

"It's those damn earth holiday's he keeps making up," Ronon replied and Elizabeth couldn't help but laugh as she over heard their conversation, "I say we get our revenge."

Teyla smiled, "What did you have in mind?"

Ronon growled, "I say we hold his Jonny Cash poster hostage until he begs for forgiveness"


	11. Waiting Game

I'm slowly coming up with ideas so more suggestions are welcome 

I've written half of chapter 6 of Entity but I'm having a little trouble with it so if anyone wants to help me with it, send me a note!

Thanks for all the reviews so far, I'm glad you're finding it funny.

Sheppard sat on the main staircase in Stargate operations and systematically checked the pockets in his vest to make sure he had everything, Once again his team was waiting for McKay to turn up so they could leave.

Teyla was standing patiently at the bottom of the steps whilst Ronon paced impatiently behind her. He liked waiting the least. Two things Ronon hated the most were doing nothing and people making him wait.

Elizabeth watched from her office with an amused expression. Every mission Rodney was late and every mission Sheppard and the other two fourths of his team turned up on time, knowing the inevitable waiting would happen.

"McKay?" Sheppard called into his radio. "How much longer?"

"Keep your trousers on Colonel! I'm nearly ready," McKay replied.

"You don't turn up within the next five minutes we're leaving without you."

"You wouldn't!"

Sheppard looked a the frustrated look on Ronon's face, "Try me." He rotated his wrist and looked at his watch. They were already twenty minutes over their departure time. "We should do something to pass the time," He announced to his team.

Ronon sent him an exasperated look, "Please, no more I-Spy."

"Okay," Sheppard replied with a pout. "How about twenty questions?"

Ronon stopped pacing and suddenly looked interested, "How do you play?"

"Well, I think of someone, then you have to guess who that person is by asking questions, I can only answer yes or no. If you ask more than twenty questions I win."

Ronon nodded, "Okay."

Sheppard made a show of thinking and then smiled, "Thought of someone."

"It's Dr Reed," Ronon said with confidence.

Sheppard's jaw dropped, "How did you?"

"I saw you checking her out on the way here," Ronon gave a half shrug, "Is it my turn now?" Sheppard nodded.

"Okay, ask away."

"Is it a man?" Ronon shook his head, "So it's a woman, Is she older than me?" Ronon nodded. Sheppard frowned as he thought of all the women on base that were older than him, "Is she a scientist?"

"Nope," Ronon crossed his arms in front of him and smiled smugly.

Sheppard was even more confused, he didn't think there were any military women older than him on Atlantis. He looked up at Elizabeth, was she older than him? "Is it Elizabeth?" Ronon shook his head again. Sheppard turned to Teyla in defeat, "Teyla, help me out here."

"Is she from Earth?" Teyla asked.

"Nope."

Sheppard turned to Teyla, "How old are you Teyla?"

Teyla glared at Sheppard, "It is never wise to ask a woman her age."

He winced and turned his head away from Teyla's glare, "Ronon, are you thinking of Teyla?"

"Not right now I'm not." Teyla raised an eyebrow at Ronon's admission.

Sheppard smiled. "Okay. Is it an Athosian?"

"No."

"A Wraith?" Ronon growled, "I'll take that as a no…" Sheppard thought back to one of their recent missions, "A Haledran? That woman behind the bar wouldn't stop staring at you."

"No." Ronon glared at Sheppard.

"A Genii?"

"Not even close, ten more questions left."

"Do I know this person well?"

"Nope."

Sheppard's head started to hurt. "Have I met this person?"

"Nope."

Sheppard looked up at Ronon, "How the hell am I supposed to guess the person if I've never met them!" Ronon shrugged. "Okay, I give up, Who were you thinking of?"

"Saller, from Sateda, Was like a grandmother to me," Ronon smiled.

"You can't pick someone I've never heard of!"

Ronon frowned, "Why not?"

"Because then I have no chanced of guessing that's why!"

"Then I'm guaranteed to win, is that not the point?"

Sheppard's head dropped into his hands and he groaned, "McKay! Get your ass here now!" He shouted through the radio.

"I'm here, I'm here!" McKay came running through the door like he'd just run a marathon not jogged from his lab to the gate room.

"It's about damn time," He growled, he lifted his head and stood up.

McKay turned to Teyla, "What's his problem?"

"He's a sore loser," Ronon answered with a smile.

Sheppard ignored them, "Dial it up!" He shouted to the scientist at the DHD. A second later the gate lit up and connected to their designation.

Before McKay could step through the event horizon Sheppard grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "You make us wait again and I'll force feed you lemons."

McKay looked at the Colonel warily, "Don't joke."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow, "Who says I'm joking?" He asked before pushing McKay through. He stepped though a second later.

On the other side the team's path was instantly blocked. Hundreds of animals as far as the eye could see surrounded them. McKay smiled as he looked down at the animals that were almost identical to sheep, "Hey Sheppard!" He called over the noise of the animals. He pointed at the sheep as Sheppard looked round, "I think these are yours!" McKay laughed.

Shepard growled under his breath. He pulled out the lemon from his jacket pocket it and lobbed it at the laughing scientist.


	12. No

It's been a while I know but I've had a little writer's block. This chapter isn't that funny but I had nowhere else to put it. Hope you like it.

"I'm sorry Dr Weir, but the IOA have made a decision due to the increase in wraith activity. They believe the only way to defend Atlantis and to keep the wraith from reaching earth is to militarise Atlantis, As soon as the new commander of Atlantis has settled in you will return to earth."

"What?" Elizabeth's jaw dropped, so unprepared for what General Landry had just told her. John also couldn't believe what he was hearing as he stood behind Elizabeth as they watched Landry on the computer screen.

"They've haven't chosen a new commander so you still have time to tie up loose ends and pack up your belongings."

"Isn't there anyway we can talk about this. How can these decisions be made without my input?"

"The decisions have been made Dr Weir, this isn't a negotiation."

"No," John snapped suddenly. Elizabeth spun round in shock.

"What was that Colonel?" Landry asked.

"I said no, no more inquests or accusations, no more scouring reports for mistakes or questioning decisions and definitely no more orders. I'm sick and tired of it."

"Colonel, you're out of line," Landry raised his voice, never tolerant of insubordination.

He leant over the computer; not realising that his hand was resting on the crystal that turned on the city wide PA system and that everyone in the city was listening to him.

"I don't think so. Elizabeth Weir is going no where and there is nothing you can do can stop it. You think that just because you've read the reports that you know what it's like here? You don't, you have no idea. You think that because Dr Weir is a civilian that she can't make military decisions? She has the respect of every member of the expedition, even the military, she may not have a rank but that doesn't stop my men from walking into fire for her.

This is not just a city, this is a community and a home and if you try and drag Elizabeth away from this you'll have a helluva fight on your hands. To get to her you'll have to get past every single person on Atlantis and all our allies, Allies that have come to trust Elizabeth. Any commander you try to bring here will not have the experience to run this place, they won't know the city of the people like Elizabeth does and it's idiotic to think you can bring someone new in the middle of all this and expect them to efficiently make a difference. She is the most experienced, most knowledgeable and most qualified person to run this place, anyone else would be a joke here.

So, no more orders not from you or IOA. You will however continue to send supplies to us because you need us a lot more than we need you. You need the technology we found, the information we learn, and we are the ones stopping the Wraith from finding Earth. If you don't continue regular supply runs we will cut off all contact with earth, state our independence. I know you don't want that. Elizabeth is staying put. When you mess with one of us you mess with all of us, I wouldn't try it again." He motioned for the technician to cut the gate off. Sheppard took a deep breath and quickly calmed himself down.

"Wow," Elizabeth breathed as the gate shut down. "That was-

"Yep," Sheppard replied quickly.

"I can't believe you-

"Me either."

"You definitely gave them something to think about."

"Yup."

"John?"

"Yes?"

Elizabeth smiled widely as her military commander, "Thank you"

He nodded, "You're welcome," He smiled back. They turned to the suddenly busy gate room and stood in shock as the crowd of marines and scientists clapped and cheered loudly.

"See?" Sheppard nudged Elizabeth, "I'm not the only one."


	13. Upside Down 2

Kavanaugh sighed at the knock on his door. He'd left the lab not long ago when the other scientists wouldn't stop gushing over the exploits of Colonel Sheppard and his team. He was sick of it. Why can't everyone else just put their full efforts in to his work like he did? A lot more work would be done if everyone was like him. He got up and stalked to the door. It opened to reveal an empty corridor. He looked left and right but it was silent. He shook his head, annoyed at the interruption. He closed the door and turned back to his desk. A couple of minutes later there was another knock at the door and again there was no-one there when he opened the door.

"Hello?" He called. There was no answer. Seconds after closing his door there was another knock. Kavanaugh opened it instantly and his eyes widened at the empty corridor. "Whoever that is, it's not funny!" He shouted. No-one replied and he growled under his breath before he stepped back into his room and the door slammed shut behind him. He stopped for a second behind the door, waiting for the inevitable knock but none came. He walked back to his desk and continued to work.

Elizabeth walked happily down the corridor. Atlantis was running smoothly for once and she'd taken the afternoon off. She was headed to her quarters to read and relax, something she hadn't done in weeks. She jumped as the door to her left burst open and Kavanaugh stepped out, "Stop it!" He shouted and Elizabeth took a step back.

He turned to her and narrowed his eyes. "Dr Weir."

"Kavanaugh," Elizabeth replied with a frown, confused by his outburst. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," He snapped.

"Ookay," Kavanaugh pivoted and re-entered his quarters. After the door closed Elizabeth heard a familiar chuckle. She looked round but found nothing.

"Up here."

Elizabeth tilted her heard up and laughed at the sight of her chief military officer, John Sheppard sitting on the ceiling. He was leaning back, propping himself up with his hands and the smile on his face could rival the Cheshire cat, "What are you-?"

"McKay got the device working properly," Sheppard explained, pointing to the device on his chest. Elizabeth smirked and tried to suppress a blush as she remembered John lying on top of her after their encounter with the ancient device.

"And annoying Kavanaugh is?"

"Fun," He smiled again.

"You don't have anything better to do?"

"The device needs proper testing before can use it in the field," He reasoned with a shrug.

"No other reason?" She watched as he lifted himself up and stood up. Their heads met in the middle. His upside down, hers the right way up. His eyes met hers and her lip quirked as she felt herself reliving a certain scene from a certain Spiderman movie.

"I need a reason for annoying Kavanaugh?"

"I really don't need him complaining to me, He already sends me a 10 page email every week with a list of complaints."

Sheppard winced, "Sorry."

She shrugged, "I'm actually getting used to it, I've worked out how to nod in the right places when he's ranting to make it look like I'm listening," She smirked.

"Elizabeth Weir!" Sheppard gasped, "I would never have guessed."

She raised an eyebrow and smiled, "I'm not as innocent as you might think."

"I'm starting to work that out," He shuffled slightly closer and Elizabeth felt her body heat up.

"So," She breathed as she stared at his lips.

"So," He repeated as he did the same. She could feel his warm breath on her face and she felt her heartbeat speeding up. He moved even closer, their lips almost touching. One second later and they would be kissing. Before they could, they heard a noise and Sheppard shot back up to the ceiling. She sighed in frustration at the interrupted opportunity as Kavanaugh burst through the door.

"I heard noises," He said as he narrowed his eyes in suspision.

"I was uh…." She searched for an explanation, "Talking to myself."

His eyes narrowed at her answer, "You were talking to yourself outside my quarters?"

She nodded, "You have a problem with that?" He opened his mouth, ready to say yes but thought better of it at her raised eyebrow, "I'll be going now," She nodded at the empty corridor. He crossed his arms and waited. She nodded a quick goodbye and began walking down the corridor. She stopped round the corner and peered back round, looking up and searching the ceiling for Sheppard.

"You looking for me?" She jumped and spun around. Sheppard was back the right way round and standing in front of her. His eyes sparkled.

She pushed his chest gently, "You left me there looking stupid!"

"He'd know it was me if I'd stayed!" He defended. She gave him her best _yeah whatever_ stare. He took a step forward and invaded her personal space, "And you Elizabeth, could never look stupid." She felt herself heating up again, her body responding to his. She closed her eyes, getting ready for the inevitable. Suddenly the warmth of his body was replaced by cold air and when she opened her eyes Sheppard had disappeared. She placed her hands on her hips and smiled evilly as she silently promised herself that she would get her revenge.


End file.
